Into The Sink

So I haven’t blogged in FOREVER.  So I thought I’d break that streak now!  Christmas has come and gone, and I’m quite happy that it’s over.  I used to love the holiday season, but this year it was extremely painful.  Aside from this being my final holiday season in high school, it was my first holiday without my mom.  She always made the holidays special, even if we couldn’t afford to do anything special.  Christmas day wasn’t too bad, but the day after was pretty difficult.  I’m well aware that my mom’s gone, but last night it was like it all sunk in again.  I felt terribly alone and started shaking.  Nothing compares to this feeling of loneliness, and it’s weird because I have some of the strongest friendships ever.

I’ve noticed that my friendships have either strengthened or completely fallen apart since my mom’s passing.  I have made bonds with old friends that I didn’t get along with too well before my mom’s passing, and for that I’m very thankful.  But the friendships that have fallen out….I hate thinking of it.  The hole in my heart gets bigger and bigger each day because I can’t fix the past.  I know it’s not my job, but it’d be so much easier if I could.

I’m auditioning for my dream school (Berklee College of Music) in a little more than a month.  I’ve never been so excited and nervous in my life.  I’m preparing two pieces, one original and one cover, for the audition in addition to practicing sight reading, improvisation, and mentally preparing for the interview.  The thought of going to Berklee is probably the only thing that can make me sound alive.  I don’t have to try to fake a smile or lie, it’s just a happy thing in my life.

Let’s see….what else is going on in my life….hmm…..Well Bengals are AFC North Champions!  I went to my first Bengals game with my uncle a few weeks ago.  It was grand.  =]

That’s all for now.  I will try to post a new blog soon.

Lately I’ve felt like a complete failure at everything I (try to) do.  Last year, all of my problems seemed to be so manageable but now it’s a smack in the face.  These are real world problems; they can’t be swept under the rug and ignored, they’re not going away.  I feel like I’m facing problems most seventeen year old’s shouldn’t be dealing with, but due to the circumstances I have no choice but to face them.

Here’s how I’ve been dealing with it: I haven’t been.  I’ve pushed it away for so long, but now that my life has started back up, I’m being forced to face my demons.  I cannot deny my fear, uncertainty, or lack of confidence.  Everyday I find myself questioning if I can really do this.

Most of my problems come from the lack of closure I have from my mother’s death.  I feel like I’ve lost myself, and there’s nothing I can’t stand more than not knowing who I am and where I want to go.  I’ve tried to allow myself to feel, and that has made things harder.  I’m stuck in this physically painful depression, and because I see the lights in my life I feel guilty for feeling this low.

I try not to talk to my friends and family about it because I really don’t want to bring them down or in the worst scenario, push them away.  I’ve lost my mother, and in a not so literal sense myself and one of my close friends.

I don’t even know how we all got to this situation, all I see now is that everyone involved is miserable.  I hate seeing everyone miserable, and I wish there was some way to get rid of this.  I want everyone to see that there’s absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about me, there’s nothing worth mourning if I’m gone.  I’m a fake, and there’s nothing that’s going to change that.  I’ve faked my way to this point, and don’t see how I can change.  I’ve gotten into the habit, and it’s the only thing I know.

And this goes back to how problems real now.  They’re not going to be resolved in two weeks tops, they’re problems that follow us as far as we lead them.

Well school is approaching in one day, and I will let you know I’m not ready at all.  =]  I’ve been living day by day, praying I get through to see the next morning.  Not in the sense that I’m wanting to kill myself, but mainly just because my sense of time hasn’t come back yet.

So much has happened this summer.  I’ve made many new friends at a wonderful coffeeshop called “Roxx Coffeehouse & Games.”  It is at Roxx where my summer was made.  I’d give anything to rewind to the second half of June.

I’m having a really difficult time accepting the fact that it’s my senior year; the year that everyone remembers as the greatest year of their high school career, the final year where everything seems to change, where every day is your last (last first day of school, last choir concert, last pep rally, etc.), the last year of normalcy before you’re shipped off to college or the work force.  I’m facing this year without something that many of my peers have.  My mother.

So many people complain that their parents get on their nerves, giving them curfews and grounding them for doing something stupid.  Little do they know that I’d give anything to come home to a screaming mother because I was late for curfew.  I’d give anything to be grounded and have to do housework for my mother.  I’d give anything to have my mother for a total of 3 seconds, because that’s all it takes to say “I love you and I’ll never forget you.”  I’d kill for 6, just to get a response back.

People take for granted saying “I love you” to their parents, and hearing it from them.  I hate facing the truth that I will never hear my mom say “I love you” except in my dreams.  It kills me that I can’t remember what she sounds like unless I call my home phone or her cell phone and get the answering machine.  Pretty soon, those recordings will be gone as well.  Then I will have nothing.  And when that day comes I know I’ll be a mess.

I hate the little breakdowns I have.  I’ve had quite a few since her passing, mainly for big anniversaries such as my parent’s wedding anniversary and her birthday.  I find myself driving on routes she typically took and reminiscing of times we had on those roads.  Last night, I found myself in the middle of texting her before realizing that there wasn’t going to be an answer from her.  This is a huge trigger for my current breakdown.  I want to talk to her so badly, and there’s no surefire way I can.

I’ll blog more later.  I’m going to try to get back in the swing of blogging.

***This could cause unwanted emotions/mental images, so please be cautious while reading***

All day I’ve been thinking about various things.  The main focus has been “you’re not going to…”  This applies to situations like,

“You’re not going to be there at graduation.”
“You’re not going to be at my wedding.”
“You’re not going to spoil my children rotten and tell them stories about mommy growing up.”

One thing one of the school counselors told me was that I didn’t have to accept anything right now.  Alright, fine.  I don’t have to accept that in less than a year, I’m going to graduate high school with one empty chair screaming at me.  I’m not blaming her or anyone else; it just angers me that we’ve been robbed of so many mother-daughter things.

During one of my lovely breakdowns today, the one thing that I kept thinking, saying, screaming, was “I wanted you to know my kids.  I wanted my kids to know their grandma.”  Granted I’m not pregnant at the time and won’t be for quite a while, it still kills me that my children won’t personally know the great woman my mother was.  They won’t get to have any of her delicious, home cooked meals.  They won’t get to hear any of her stories, or meet Georgina, or have hugs and kisses from their loving, Italian grandma.  I didn’t know my grandma, and always loved hearing stories of her.  I truly hope my kids want to hear about my mom.

I feel like shit for wanting to see her bad enough, and then I feel guilty for feeling that desperate.  This song lyric has never meant to me than it does at this moment in my life.

“..If you say goodbye today, I’ll ask you to be true…”
-Cancer.   My Chemical Romance.

You never know when your “goodbye” is truly going to be the last time you see that person.  I thought I’d see my mother the next morning, and if you get technical I did.  But I thought I’d see her, talk to her, get a response.  I didn’t expect to see 3 doctors surrounding her trying to keep her alive.  I just remember trying to prepare myself for it, even though everyone knows it’s not something one can do.  Replaying everyone’s actions of that morning smacks me with great feelings of helplessness, depression, and aggravation.  Helplessness because there was nothing that could be done.  Depression because I had had the last moment with my mom.  Ever.  And aggravation because I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.  Nothing I could say or do would have postponed what happened.

I always thought my mom would die in her sleep, peacefully.  I never thought it’d be the 3rd time she had CPR in a hospital room that felt like it was getting smaller by the second.  One thing that sticks out in my mind is seeing the number “23″ and then seeing the machine go blank.  In movies, you hear one straight tone.  That didn’t occur.  It was deafening silence that filled the room before the intense roar of cries from my family.

I hate having to deal with this.  This is something no one is ever prepared to deal with, whether they’re 14 or 41.  It’s always difficult losing your mother.  It’s obvious that people have gotten past it, but at this moment I truly don’t see how.  I see absolutely no light at the end of this hellacious little tunnel.  Life for me has stopped, but everything around me is continuing at such an alarming rate.

Please know that you’re not guaranteed anything.  Tomorrow isn’t promised, it’s assumed.  And assumptions, although they have a high accuracy rate, always lead to some sort of failure.  This is my failure.  Don’t take advantage of today.  You’re only promised this moment in life, so please don’t waste it.

Obviously my mood hasn’t been the greatest in the past couple of weeks.  My sleeping patterns have been absolutely horrible, my relationships either have strengthened or dramatically weakened, and of course I’m massively distracted in school.  I have to take my english exam, and I’m going to take my choir exam as well. 

It really hasn’t sunk in yet.  I feel like she’s just on an extended vacation.  It wasn’t until last night when I really knew she wasn’t coming back.  I looked like a madman while I was standing outside, looking up at the stars and asking, “Can you hear me?”  The lack of response was the coldest moment I’ve ever experienced.  Eventually, Leoti and Sloot kept rubbing my legs as if to tell me to go inside.  I still haven’t gotten any kind of sign, response or answer.  Then again, my questions are a bit extreme.  “Are you alright?” “Are you safe?”  These questions should be answered in faith as, “Yes.” but for some reason I can’t wrap my mind around it.  I’ve begged for some kind of sign that she’s okay, but nothing has happened.  I can’t hear or see her anymore; I haven’t been able to since she passed.

I feel like I’m about to cry, so I’m going to go to guidance before I make a food of myself.

I haven’t posted in a while and I apologize for that.  I’m currently sitting in my English class.  Everyone’s working on the privacy unit.  I should probably try to contribute, but there’s no way in hell I’d be able to concentrate long enough to form a complete thought.

On Tuesday morning, I lost my mother.  It was/is the hardest, scariest, most depressing thing I’ve ever been through.  It’s only been three days since her passing, and every moment is more awkward than the last.  One moment, I’m numb and the next I’m depressed to no end.  I haven’t really cried too much about it, which is probably what gets to me the most.  I hate not being able to cry about it, because I truly did love her.  I just can’t bring myself to remember all of the nitty-gritty details of that morning.  Logically, I know she’s gone.  I know she’s not coming back.  I know that the next time I see her will be when I die.  But for some reason, it’s not clicking emotionally.  I just can’t seem to grasp the fact that she’s not there for important moments that will come in the future.

The funeral is on Saturday; probably going to be the 2nd hardest day of my life.  I’ll probably blog sometime after that.

So things have been really looking up for me in the past few weeks.  I haven’t posted since a few days before the choir trip, and I apologize for that. 

Choir trip- Epic.  Win.  I had my two main snuggle buddies, Wendy on the bus and Jackie in the hotel.  <–We had to share beds, nothing went down.  xD  Competition went well.  Combine choirs (singing chamber choir songs) got 2nd out of 14 choirs, and TC got 1st out of 2 show choirs.  I’d say that’s an epic win.

It’s taken me several days to try to get this post together.  I started this on May 1st.  It is now May 4th.  I have had a choir concert since then, which was rather epic.  I picked up my friend Becky and drove to the concert location, which happened to be a church.  Rehearsal failed, but the concert overall was a win.  I performed an acoustic version of “Stand By Me” with Hannah, and we pretty much pwned.  Although my guitar pick fail slowed us down, it still wrocked.

I’m also doing an alumni concert for my old grade school.  I must say, I’m quite excited.  I had rehearsal yesterday from 1:30 to 6:30, and have rehearsal today from 6-7pm.  The week of hell starts next week, which I’m somewhat looking forward to but not really.

I’m going to work on my English essay that’s due tomorrow.  Surprisingly enough, I already started it!  I’m 3/5ths of the way done.  FTW

This is actually a very busy trip. I’m very happy for that. The assigned seating has been reconsidered and we can choose who we sit with! FTW! (cough) Wendy’s my bus buddy. (cough)

Note taking in English today, so I’ll post later.

I really like the number 720. =]

It’s time for me to depart anyway.  I shall blog later!

I’m trying to find The Language of Advertising by Charles A O’Neill and seriously can’t find it anywhere.  It’s pretty lame.  I’m probably going to end up doing it tonight, but that’s alright.  I finished the homework assignment already.

I really want today to be over with.  Trying to type quietly cuts me speed dramatically and it makes me frustrated.  It’s days like these where I wish everyone wasn’t so focused.

I had a lovely discussion in study hall with Taryn and Annie about friendship, sexuality and religion.  How we got from one subject to another, I’m not entirely sure.  But it definitely made the bell pass by quickly.  We have determined that friendship is hard to find, homo/bisexuality is totally fine and religion was left open.  It was pretty BA.  Gotta love the moral topics that really never end. =]

We get a schedule tomorrow for the choir trip.  It’s about damn time!  We leave in three days (four if you count today) and we discussed the assigned seating issue in class.  People threw out some very good suggestions to try to get rid of the assigned seating.  Mr. Holdt said he’d take it into consideration, which probably means assigned seating.  But in the end it’ll be alright.

I still haven’t asked Tom if I can borrow his laptop.  I seriously don’t know what his answer would be.  >.>  If you’re reading this Tom, you should say yes.  I’ll give you $1.

My left hand is stiffer than a table top.  There’s a diagram of the reproductive cycle of the human female sitting to my right.  People are typing, stretching, doing their work, slacking.  Interesting life.

Lately I’ve felt like a creeper to life.  I don’t know how I’ve come to certain conclusions about various things in my own life, and it’s rather confusing.

I really like the quote “You can’t advance without taking a chance.”  I heard it on Dawson Mcallister last night.  It was BA.  Not really.

Oh Dawson Mcallister, you dog you!  I started listening to his show a few months ago.  Basically it’s just a bunch of people calling him and asking for his advice on issues in their lives.  Why I listen to it, I’m not sure.  Some of the things he advises people to do, I agree with.  Others, not so much.

This has nothing to do with DM but that’s alright.  I was watching the Tyra Banks show and they had the dude from “Sex…With Mom and Dad” on there helping teens discuss sex with their parents.  He said something like, “If you want your teens to wait but you yourself didn’t, shut your mouth.”  Uhm, yeah…I disagree with this statement.  A parent is supposed to guide their children away from mistakes that they might have made in their past.  It might be hypocritical in your mind, but you don’t have to let your child know that you made that mistake until you feel they are ready to hear this.  And it wouldn’t kill them if they never found out, I mean c’mon!  There’s only so much a child needs to know about his or her parent’s past.  This doesn’t go for just sex, it could be drugs, discipline, organization, friendships, etc.  Why does history have to repeat itself?  Answer- it doesn’t.

My back and neck are sore as n00bs.  Leoti likes to stretch out on the bed, which also means I get moved over to the edge.  She constantly kicks me which obviously causes back pain.  I have a feeling my neck just slipped into an awkward position while being forced out of my bed in the night.  She’s going to have to start sleeping on the floor.  I’ve noticed that there’s a little cycle she goes through.  I’ll let her sleep in the bed with me, and she’ll take up a small amount of space.  As time goes on, she’ll take up more space until she’s stretched out across the bed.  I make her sleep on the floor for about a week or two and invite her back up again.  Cycle repeats.  She’s very special. =]

I just thought about my Kansas buddies and am now wondering if they have Twitters.  I’m going to check when I get home (if I can remember).

I need eight more words to have 720 words.  Yay for 720!